Quackers about to croak
Hi all, This is Stephen; I know that you were probably expecting to hear from Quackers about his final road trip installment, but I'm afraid I have bad news... After 7 drunken days in New Orleans, Dallas and Phoenix, Quackers collapsed from alcohol poisoning. It now appears that he is in a persistent vegetative state... More on Quackers condition later... Here's how he lived his last waking days on earth...
I should have known that something was wrong with Quackers when we reached New Orleans... He decided to stay in to "recover" on our first night in New Orleans while Kent and I went out on Bourbon Street with his boss Will. (Here's a picture of Kent and Will before the night got real ugly)...
It didn't take long for the night to spiral into a mess... 5 minutes later, we met a Teacher/Whore straight out of a 1992 Van Halen video... Much to my disgust, she insisted on showing us her boobies for beads, even though Kent and I told her that we would only share beads with boys that show their schlongs...
Fortuntately, I did get to give some beads away that night (even though we only got to see a picture of a schlong -- thanks to the lovely group of drunk bacheloretts we met later that night).
Kent and I had a great time out on the town, and when we went to the hotel, we expected to find a well-rested Quakers asleep in bed... but we soon discovered his motivation for ditching us on our first night in New Orleans. Quackers had picked up a whore and wanted to have some alone-time to get his freak on...
The next night was a drunken blur which ended when the sun came up.... Ugh! I then got a 2 hour nap before Quackers and I joined Kent for a Swamp Tour.
Let me just say, if you are in New Orleans with a hang over and it's cold outside, be sure to go on a swamp tour -- what a great idea! (yeah right, like the time I bunjee jumped in Las Vegas even though I had a hang over/headache -- why do I do such stupid things when I'm hung over?!)
Because it was cold outside, the aligators did not want to come out to be viewed... So Kent did his best alligator impression (just imagine his arms are opening and closing like the mouth of the 'gator) in order to give the crowd something to photograph...
Finally, Quackers go so bored on the swamp tour that he flew out into the brush, dove down into the water and grabbed a baby alligator and brought him back to the boat (thank goodness, Quackers had some extra rubber bands so that he could bind the gator's mouth shut).
We finished the tour, and, at Quacker's request, we took a quick "Disco Nap" before we went out on the town again.
At dinner, Quackers and I shared a Hurricane...
But soon, Quackers insisted on having his own drink.... I should have stopped him (a little duck can only drink so much)... But instead, he finished it off on his own and the evening's debauchery began...
Before long, Kent, Quackers and I met up with our "Bad Influence" friends from Utah, Todd and Kevin (The Mormons do know how to party -- once they break away from the church, that is!!!) Todd and Kevin had a tendency to keep me and Quakers out drinking till the wee hours of the morning... which is probably why I ended up getting Bronchitis in New Orleans...
Quackers kept buying us drinks and insisted that we go to the scuzzy bar with the Go-Go Dancers (which surprised me, 'cause I didn't think that Quackers flew both ways).... If New Orleans was the Devil's playground, this bar was the Devil's pulsating sphincter (yet Kent and I had a great time)!
Soon after we arrived at the bar, I noticed that Quackers kept stealing $1 bills out of my wallet to give to the dancers....
Eventually, Quackers got us kicked out of the bar... I think he snorted coke in the bathroom and, when the bartender announced that we were too drunk for service, he started quacking at the bartender, "you can't stop serving us, I know the owner of this bar!"... The bartender was not impressed and we were out on our ass... Fortunately it was time for breakfast... Quackers promised that he would never do drugs again, then he passed out...
When Quackers woke up, we had already made our way to Dallas. And although I only got to see my friend Jason for about 1/2 an hour, Quackers had enough time to snort some more blow and hire 2 more hookers (human ones this time)...
We promptly left Dallas and headed for Phoenix, then home to San Francisco. Quackers had been awake for 72 hours straight (due the all the junk he snorted). Here is the last picture I took of Quackers before he collapsed.
My bronchitis was getting worse by the hour so I was rushing to get home home to me to a doctor and to get Quackers to a Vet. It was a shame I didn't have more time to enjoy the beautiful scenery...
When we got home, the doctor gave me antibiotics for my respiratory infection (and told me to take a trip to Hawaii to recover -- which I will do later this week).
The news was not so good for Quackers. The Vet inserted and feeding tube into Quackers. He told me that Quakers was in a persistent vegetative state. Unlike Teri Schiavo, I'm not expecting a big controversy when I remove the tube... But I've kept him alive all this time for a reason... I'm trying to fatten Quackers up with the feeding tube while I look for a good braised duck recipe... Any suggestions?
