"Hanging in there.." As I mentioned on ChrysWurmser.com, my friends ask me how I am doing. My answer is always “hanging in there” because as long as I am breathing, that’s the best answer I can give right now. But the real answer is this:

I want to die – but I know that Chrys would want me to live a long happy life. I want to die – but I know that my family can’t handle another tragedy. I want to die – but I know that this void, this kicked in the stomach pain, this grief, this terrible heartache, this abyss of sorrow will someday subside. I want to die – but suicide is for pussies. I want to die -- but I’m smart enough to realize that I will be able to find peace and happiness again someday. I want to die – but even though I lost the love of my life, my best friend, my lover, my cuddle-buddy, my ray of sunshine, my Mecca-Mecca, I will someday not feel this terribly alone. I want to die – but I know better….

One tough part about this grieving process is that I feel like I have to be a good actor in order for people to feel comfortable around me. People want to help me (and they really, really are), but I know that people also want to FEEL like they are helping me -- They want to see me progress towards normalcy and out of grief – but if they ask how I’m doing and I reply “I want to die.” I’m sure they will think that all their efforts are futile and they might think I’m too much of a downer to talk to… (or they may try to convince me to call a suicide hotline – but my closest friends know that I not crazy enough to hurt myself).

My friends (and Chrys’ friends) really have been helpful through all of this and I want them to know that every call and every card and every time they hang out with me for a while to watch TV, and every e-mail and every post to Chrys’ website DOES help me, even if I can’t express anything more than “I’m hanging in there”. Because truthfully, I’m hurting more than you can imagine.

Thank you all for your outpouring of support.  ¶ Wednesday, March 01, 2006