Purpose In January of 2005 Chrys & I saw the play "Avenue Q" on Broadway. Chrys and I LOVED the play (and I loved to listen to him laugh at each and every funny lyric in the show). For much of the play, the main character (who happened to be named "Princeton") was searching for his purpose in life.

Through most of 2005 I could identify with Princeton. I quit my job at PwC in February '05 and took some time off to relax and "find myself". I was not certain what I wanted to end up doing with my professional life, but I was certain that I wanted to grow old with Chrys by my side. Chrys was extremely supportive and wanted me to (figure out and) pursue my passion and/or purpose in life. Not ready to take a giant gamble with my career (and not wanting to take a huge cut in my gadget budget), I decided that being a CPA wasn't such a bad gig after all and I went to work for a smaller local accounting firm. After a few months at the local firm, I decided that it was not the right fit, so I quit in November '05. I was going to find another tax manager job after the holidays, but Chrys got a blood clot in his leg, so I stayed home to "play nurse".

Before Chrys got sick, I was back in my "What do I really want to be when I grow up?" phase. I would find myself humming the song "Purpose" from Avenue Q ("...I'm gonna find my purpose/ Could be far / Could be near / Could take a week / a month, a year / at a job, or smoking grass / maybe at a pottery class"...)... Chrys and I had already discussed our early "retirement" plans (After Chrys was done with Banking, and I was done with Tax accounting, we would open a gay resort in Maui - Chrys would run the books, I would be in charge of guest relations and we would work work together on the website) , but it was all those years before retirement that I had to figure out... But Chrys's illness quickly snapped me out of my search for "purpose" and brought my focus entirely on him.

When Chrys was in the hospital, he complained of headaches so bad that it was uncomfortable for anyone to even touch his head (so rubbing his hair to comfort him was out of the question from the start). However, he told me that it would feel good if I could gently and slowly rub his back. During his first few days in the hospital, he would turn to his side and I would use one hand to hold all the IV tubes out of the way and would rub his back gently with the other hand.

As Chrys's breathing became more labored, his oxygen saturation level would dip below 90%. This would cause the monitoring machines to beep loudly, making it impossible for Chrys to get any sleep. And all Chrys desperately wanted during his first days in the hospital was a few hours of sleep. As the hours passed, it was getting harder and harder for Chrys to keep his Oxygen above 90%.

The night before he had to be intubated (and sedated) on a respirator, Chrys found that his Oxygen saturation level was higher when he lay on his side. So throughout his last night of consciousness, he tried to get a little sleep. Every time he would start to drift to sleep, his breathing would become a little shallow and his Oxygen saturation would dip below 90% triggering the alarms... I soon discovered that the only way his Oxygen saturation would stay above 90% while he slept was if I was slowly rubbing his back as he drifted off.

So for the next 4 to 5 hours, I hunched over the side of his bed and slowly rubbed his back as he drifted in and out of sleep. It was backbreaking work -- the bed was at an awkward height and angle, I had not slept in days, my knee was shot, and during the course of the night I pulled a muscle in my back. But I didn't stop until the very end -- because, for the first time in my life, there was no question -- Rubbing Chrys's back - comforting My Baby in a time of need - was my purpose in life.

Now that he's gone, I'm more lost than I've ever been.

I miss him so much.  ¶ Saturday, March 11, 2006