Where is my solace? My grief seems to get little or no solace. When I am talking with friends, I feel as if I am able to keep it together – but as soon as someone says something funny or noteworthy, I think to myself: “I can’t wait to tell this to my baby”.

Large groups are not much easier... When there are multiple conversations overlapping at both sides of a dinner table, or in crowded room, I “zone out” and can only hear a murmur that desperately needs to be punctuated with Chrys’ boisterous laugh. Then I quickly try to focus and rejoin a conversation in order to fight back the tears.

I could take a vacation, but the last time I went on a road trip without Chrys I just wished he could be with me the entire time (and I would call him over and over and over to share stories about my adventures). What good is a vacation if I can’t share it with the love of my life?

I could buy a gadget to occupy my mind, but I used to look forward to showing Chrys all the tricks the gadget could do… He’d usually smile lovingly, roll his eyes and giggle, hug me and say “I love my baby” just to get me to shut up about the wireless integration of this and another gadget… The goofy, loving reaction I’d get from Chrys was well worth the price of the gadget.

I could try a hobby – but that does not help… I started to sculpt a bust of Chrys. As soon as the blob of clay started to resemble a head, I found myself sobbing as I slowly rubbed the forehead of this clay bust in the same manner that I rubbed Chrys’ forehead while I said goodbye and watched him slip away.

I could find a job to keep me busy – yeah right, just don’t break down crying during the interview…

I could turn to my lover for solace, but he is gone.
I could turn to my best friend for solace, but he is gone.
I could try to cry myself to sleep, but I just yearn to feel Chrys wrap his arm around me for comfort.

I could try to turn for my friends for solace – and they do help – a lot – but unless they have lost their soul mate, how could they possibly understand what I’m feeling?

I remember a friend of mine that died my freshman year of college. His death affected me deeply – well, every time I though about it, that is… You see, while we were friends, we were also both very busy. So we would sometime go weeks without catching up with each other. His death never fully “hit me” because I could always trick my mind into thinking that “I must not have seen him this week because we are both too busy.” But when I was alone and I had the time to “deal” – I’d stop and think about him for a while and be very sad…

I know this must be how many people are dealing with the loss of Chrys. Even though everyone who knew him, loved him. Most friends would only get to see Chrys a couple or a few times a month because he was busy with work, or we were hanging out with the puppies… So most people can stop, think about Chrys, get very sad, then move on with the “normal routine” of their day.

With Chrys’ death, I get no such luxury – Chrys was the “normal routine” of my day. He was with me or in my thoughts all the time. I can’t trick my mind out of the grief. I can’t pretend he’s at the office or on a business trip because Chrys usually calls or e-mails 4+ times a day when he is gone. I can’t pretend he’s in the next room watching football, because he usually bounces into my apartment yelling “Yay!” every time his team scores a touchdown. I can’t pretend that he is sleeping in the next apartment, because I used to sneak in and steal a kiss before he fell asleep.

There is no good way for me to escape the void… (well, at least some modern pharmaceuticals do seem to numb me up pretty good -- temporarily at least).

Ok, so maybe it's not 100% horrible all the time... but whenever I'm by myself, it's devistating... (and I tend to write these blog entries when I'm alone) Sorry to bum you out...

I miss my baby so much.

Grief Sucks!

Fuck!  ¶ Sunday, March 05, 2006