Blah, Blah, Blog...
My mind keeps playing tricks on me...
I find that the longer I'm away from home, the less real Chrys's death seems in my mind (but only for a few seconds at a time)... In the pre-high-technology days I imagine it would be easier for one's mind to keep this "coping" trick up for a while... You could fool yourself into believing that your partner is just out of the country for business and can't be reached for extended periods of time, or that the time-change makes it impossible to talk to him during the day...
The more I think about it, I wouldn't mind to have such a convenient coping fantasy to give my aching heart and mind a chance to rest every once and a while... But now, in the modern world my mind does not get to take that kind of vacation from reality... I find that I want to just call Chrys at home, or at his work, or on his cell, or maybe set up a webcam and chat (like the last time we were going to be away from each other for more than 2 weeks), or send an e-mail (perhaps to his home account, his work account, or his gmail account -- each time is a different thought, like "oh, I forgot about his gmail account, maybe he's checking that one...")... "I know", I think to myself, "I could send him a text message, or just log on to AIM and see if he's online for an instant message..." Every time my mind tries to think of a different way to reach Chrys, I'm reminded that he is gone... While the idea will only last a split-second ("I should try a text message!") the realization and sadness that he is gone lingers with me for hours...
I found myself wandering around Hong Kong the other day searching for another connection that we shared when we were here for our anniversary 3 years ago.... The Hotel where we had drinks and a fancy celebratory dinner - closed for renovation.... So I broke down crying in the middle of downtown when I saw the sign (I had heard it was closed, but I had to go there to see it myself for some reason)... Chrys's favorite bar, Mad Dog's (for which he wore a MadDog's shirt at least once a week since I knew him) - out of business... so I found myself crying at"Lan Kwai Fong" (nightlife district where a bunch of bars are located).
I miss him so much.
Tomorrow we head to Beijing to spread his ashes at the Great Wall... Maybe I'll give him a call from my cell phone when I get there... Doh!
