Hurts so much... This hurts so much... No, not just my ass... Ok, that hurts too, but it's not what you think...

It's been a flurry of activity since I got back from Hong Kong... I packed up my apartment, and last weekend, I moved into Chrys's apartment... I'm still living out of boxes, as I still don't have room to unpack. I knew that I was going to keep his most precious items here (The fireplace mantle and hall display shelves remain unchanged), but what I wasn't expecting is how difficult it is to pack up or dispose of some of Chrys's trivial items... The fridge is filled with beer that I will never drink... and his toothbrush is still in the bathroom. I've tried a number of times, but I can't bring myself to throw it away...

It's not just a toothbrush, it's a memory - a vision of Chrys brushing his teeth in the morning. I can see his back, and his smiling face reflecting in the mirror. I can remember how I'd often try to engage him in conversation just to hear him mumble out an incoherent response. I can remember the minty fresh good morning kiss I'd get afterwards... Now Chrys is gone, and all I have is his fucking toothbrush and a memory... Fuck you leukemia.

Even though I haven't started packing the most emotional items, I've been plenty busy getting my stuff set up (I do believe that I have enough wires to circle the globe). So for the past week, I've been mounting speakers, setting up network cables, and trying to find my socks (I know they are in one of these damn boxes)... I've been keeping busy enough to keep my mind preoccupied... I even fooled myself into thinking that this move was less painful than I was expecting... Until Friday night...

On Friday night I ate some bad chicken and got food poisoning (or maybe the chicken was innocent and a stomach virus was the culprit)... Saturday morning I was puking and had horrible diarrhea... the puking stopped, but the diarrhea continued throughout the day... by the end of the day I was extremely dizzy, dehydrated, confused, and running a high fever... After a call to my health insurance "on call" nurse, I was told to go to the emergency room... Of coarse, the nearest ER is the same one I took Chrys to a little over 3 months ago, ugh, emotional trauma on top of gastrointestinal trauma... After a couple bags of IV fluid (and some morphine) I started to feel better and they sent me home... (special thanks to Matt for taking me and keeping me company during the ordeal)

I've felt better today, (no headache, no fever, no extreme fatigue) but the horrible diarrhea continued... I'm on my 9th "double-roll" of quilted Northern (thank goodness Adriana and I went to Costco last week)... Needless to say - but I'll say it anyway - my ass feels like it's been gang raped by a herd of elephants... I don't care how "quilted soft" your toilet paper is, after nine rolls it all feels like alcohol soaked sandpaper...

With a sore ass, and stomach cramps, I wasn't able to get much done today... other than lay in bed... so it was the first day in Chrys's apartment that I couldn't keep my mind preoccupied, and the realization hit me that I'm here all alone... He's not coming back to brush his teeth, he's not going to drink the beer in the fridge, and he can't comfort me when I'm sick...

This hurts so much...  ¶ Sunday, May 07, 2006