Thank you -- But I want you back... Hey baby,

I want to thank you soooo much for visiting me in my dream the other night...

It's been more than 3 1/2 months, but that was the first time you visited me in a healthy, beautiful, happy state... I don't know how many nightmares I've had with you in the hospital - This was different, and special...

I was waking up in my apartment, I heard the puppies rustle, and I figured you were heading off to work early for a meeting. You walked in the door and you looked fabulous. You were wearing your red and blue striped shirt and your khaki pants. You were clean shaven and smelled like you just jumped out of the shower (a mix of cologne, soap and deodorant)... You tip-toed into my room and you saw that I was awake... I was able to squeak out a "hey baby" before you leapt onto the bed to give me a good morning kiss. Just as I wrapped my hand around the back of your wet hair and pulled you in for a hug, I felt a rush of joy -- this had all been a bad dream - you were never sick, you didn't die, I haven't been grieving -- it was all just a bad dream! Certainly you were fine, because your hug felt more real than the nightmare that I thought dragged on for the past 4 months...

When I realized you were alive, I pulled you in closer for a tighter hug I felt your cheek against my face for just a split second -- and then you disappeared.

I woke up in your apartment all alone, with my heart racing, and I soaked the pillow with tears (both tears of joy and loss)...

You were only in my dream for about 5 seconds, but it was the best 5 seconds of my life. I can't stop thinking about it. It was so real. I know you are physically gone, but I'm trying to figure out how to get you back in my dreams... My grief counselor (and the grief books I have read) have warned me about this... Welcome to the bargaining phase of grief... What I would give to have you back - at least in my dreams... you name it and I I'll do it... Please come back... I love you.  ¶ Tuesday, May 23, 2006