Waves come crashing down... They say that grief happens in waves... Well I'm now reminded of the waves at Big Beach in Maui where Chrys and I were on our last vacation together... The waves crashed so hard that I tumbled head first into the sand and bruised my knee and forehead...

I had been busy with friends the last few weeks, and it seems that I managed to hold it together pretty well... Then I went to see "The Devil Wears Prada" -- not a particularly sad movie - but I broke out crying while walking out of the theatre... It was the first movie (theatre) I'd been to since Chrys died and while walking down the steps of the theatre I found myself instinctively reaching back with my hand -- After every movie I've been to in the last 4 years, Chrys and I would hold hands out of the theatre and talk about how we liked (or disliked) the movie... When reality hit, there was no hand to hold, I started to lose it...

And just to continue the "crying in theatres" theme of this post, I saw the G-rated Pixar movie "Cars" yesterday... There was one old model-T car named Lizzy who seemed to be crazy off her rocker... At one point in the movie she stands next to a statue of the town's founder (another model T car named Stanley) and whispers to her long departed husband, "Oh Stanley, I wish you could see this - you would love it").... and once again I lost it... (and I got it -- I feel like I've been crazy with grief for a while, and it was good to see a character I could identify with)...

Before the loss of my best friend and love of my life, I always rolled my eyes when they had the obligatory death or loss in a movie -- it seemed to be a cliche. And to be fair, I still find it to be a bit overdone -- but I have a new understanding for the depth of pain someone can feel for the loss of a love - and I also know that nobody can possibly understand how awful it feels until it happens to them.

After the scooter accident that crushed my knee, I found it more painful and difficult to see tears in Chrys's eyes than any pain I felt in my shattered leg - so I kicked into clown mode, cracking jokes to make Chrys feel better... One's brain is quite capable of dealing with physical pain--you can focus on other things or grit your teeth... But emotional pain is hard to block out... it's deep inside your gut and affects all aspects of your life... I do have a genuinely good time when I'm hanging out or talking with friends, but after a while I need to be alone... And, so far, I haven't had a moment alone when I wasn't aching for Chrys. I miss my baby so much.

Is this a cry for help? No. Just a rant - I'm trying to make sense of what's going on in my head... The waves of Grief are tumbling me to shore right now... But don't worry - if I get caught in a rip-tide of grief and start getting sucked under I'll be sure to call for a life guard...  ¶ Tuesday, July 11, 2006