Blah, Blah, Blog...
Coming up for air...
I'm in the process of moving into Chrys's back unit (and clearing out the front unit for Adriana to move in next week)... The only way I can describe the process is that it feels like I'm packing up an apartment that is completely submerged in water... I can dive into Chrys's apartment and only slowly maneuver enough to pack up a few items at a time before I have to come up for air... If I stay and pack too long, I'll run out of oxygen and start choking on water (or tears)...
I tried to pack a little faster by putting a bunch of books into a box, but today I've found myself unpacking those boxes and going through each and every page of some of the books to see if Chrys left a cute scribble or note in any of the margins (which he often did in his bridge books)... I'm not looking for anything profound, but every mark, every note, every doodle brings me closer to my baby... and I don't want to miss a thing...
I miss you baby.
If you love somebody, write it down!
Now that I'm back from Hong Kong, I am faced, once again, with the reality that Wurm is gone, and I am alone...
When I have a particularly difficult night (such as tonight), I try to stop crying by reading some passages from Chrys's journal... Though it may not stop the tears, it takes away the horrible memories of his death and replaces it with the happy memories of the years we shared together...
I strongly recommend that if you love someone, start writing in a journal, or at least write a "just in case" goodbye note (both of which Chrys did)... Because, once you are gone, your own written words will be much more comforting to the spouse you left behind than a hundred friends trying to make him feel better...
My world has been turned upside down. Even though Chrys's own family does not understand the life and love we shared, I know in my heart how much I loved my baby and how much he loved me. And when it begins to feel like this shattered life is starting to drive me insane, just reading some of my baby's comforting words snaps me back to reality...
I miss my baby...
(click for larger image)
It's not all tears and misery...
I decided to write this post 'cause I just took a brief glance at my blog, and if you didn't know me personally, (or if you've been out of touch), you'd think that I'm the most miserable guy in the world... Yes, I miss Chrys with all my heart, and I'm still going through a LOT of grief. However, I do have my happy moments (just as Chrys would have wanted) - right now I'm sitting in a gay bar in Phuket, Thailand (that happens to have free wi/fi) and drinking a beer (also what Chrys would have wanted)...
Over the weekend Jon & Lisa Gove and I were in Beijing and at the Great Wall to spread Chrys's ashes... Yes, I had plenty of breakdowns that weekend... However, I was able to have some really fun moments... "HELLO" (you'll just have to ask me to describe that later). And to the total SHOCK of Jon & Lisa, I actually ate some authentic Chinese food (including duck heads and fried scorpions -- ok, it was just Peking Duck, but it was still pretty impressive)...
Alrighty, time to head back to my hotel -- there's an in-pool bar with an under-water stool with my name on it waiting for me... And it's freaking 95 degrees here - - I'm melting...
My mind keeps playing tricks on me...
I find that the longer I'm away from home, the less real Chrys's death seems in my mind (but only for a few seconds at a time)... In the pre-high-technology days I imagine it would be easier for one's mind to keep this "coping" trick up for a while... You could fool yourself into believing that your partner is just out of the country for business and can't be reached for extended periods of time, or that the time-change makes it impossible to talk to him during the day...
The more I think about it, I wouldn't mind to have such a convenient coping fantasy to give my aching heart and mind a chance to rest every once and a while... But now, in the modern world my mind does not get to take that kind of vacation from reality... I find that I want to just call Chrys at home, or at his work, or on his cell, or maybe set up a webcam and chat (like the last time we were going to be away from each other for more than 2 weeks), or send an e-mail (perhaps to his home account, his work account, or his gmail account -- each time is a different thought, like "oh, I forgot about his gmail account, maybe he's checking that one...")... "I know", I think to myself, "I could send him a text message, or just log on to AIM and see if he's online for an instant message..." Every time my mind tries to think of a different way to reach Chrys, I'm reminded that he is gone... While the idea will only last a split-second ("I should try a text message!") the realization and sadness that he is gone lingers with me for hours...
I found myself wandering around Hong Kong the other day searching for another connection that we shared when we were here for our anniversary 3 years ago.... The Hotel where we had drinks and a fancy celebratory dinner - closed for renovation.... So I broke down crying in the middle of downtown when I saw the sign (I had heard it was closed, but I had to go there to see it myself for some reason)... Chrys's favorite bar, Mad Dog's (for which he wore a MadDog's shirt at least once a week since I knew him) - out of business... so I found myself crying at"Lan Kwai Fong" (nightlife district where a bunch of bars are located).
I miss him so much.
Tomorrow we head to Beijing to spread his ashes at the Great Wall... Maybe I'll give him a call from my cell phone when I get there... Doh!
