Blah, Blah, Blog...
Happy Birthday to Me
Tomorrow is my 32nd birthday... woo hoo... Birthdays force you to reflect on your life (and, obviously, I was happier a year ago than I am today)... But now I find that I'm reflecting on Chrys's life as much as my own... So I looked through some pictures to see Chrys on his 32nd birthday - and I discovered a wonderful birthday present for myself...
I found a cute picture that we took at Chrys's 32nd birthday dinner and I realized that it was the perfect shot for the empty space over the fireplace - really a centerpiece section of wall that has been empty for years. So I printed it out and headed to the frame shop. Happy birthday to me.
Waves come crashing down...
They say that grief happens in waves... Well I'm now reminded of the waves at Big Beach in Maui where Chrys and I were on our last vacation together... The waves crashed so hard that I tumbled head first into the sand and bruised my knee and forehead...
I had been busy with friends the last few weeks, and it seems that I managed to hold it together pretty well... Then I went to see "The Devil Wears Prada" -- not a particularly sad movie - but I broke out crying while walking out of the theatre... It was the first movie (theatre) I'd been to since Chrys died and while walking down the steps of the theatre I found myself instinctively reaching back with my hand -- After every movie I've been to in the last 4 years, Chrys and I would hold hands out of the theatre and talk about how we liked (or disliked) the movie... When reality hit, there was no hand to hold, I started to lose it...
And just to continue the "crying in theatres" theme of this post, I saw the G-rated Pixar movie "Cars" yesterday... There was one old model-T car named Lizzy who seemed to be crazy off her rocker... At one point in the movie she stands next to a statue of the town's founder (another model T car named Stanley) and whispers to her long departed husband, "Oh Stanley, I wish you could see this - you would love it").... and once again I lost it... (and I got it -- I feel like I've been crazy with grief for a while, and it was good to see a character I could identify with)...
Before the loss of my best friend and love of my life, I always rolled my eyes when they had the obligatory death or loss in a movie -- it seemed to be a cliche. And to be fair, I still find it to be a bit overdone -- but I have a new understanding for the depth of pain someone can feel for the loss of a love - and I also know that nobody can possibly understand how awful it feels until it happens to them.
After the scooter accident that crushed my knee, I found it more painful and difficult to see tears in Chrys's eyes than any pain I felt in my shattered leg - so I kicked into clown mode, cracking jokes to make Chrys feel better... One's brain is quite capable of dealing with physical pain--you can focus on other things or grit your teeth... But emotional pain is hard to block out... it's deep inside your gut and affects all aspects of your life... I do have a genuinely good time when I'm hanging out or talking with friends, but after a while I need to be alone... And, so far, I haven't had a moment alone when I wasn't aching for Chrys. I miss my baby so much.
Is this a cry for help? No. Just a rant - I'm trying to make sense of what's going on in my head... The waves of Grief are tumbling me to shore right now... But don't worry - if I get caught in a rip-tide of grief and start getting sucked under I'll be sure to call for a life guard...
Good Times...
For those of you that "check up" on me via my website to see how I'm doing, I wanted to let you know that I'm starting to get a smile back on my face... I forget to post when I'm happy, so it would appear from my blog that I'm always down in the dumps...
The last few weeks have been busy and fun. We had our BBQ on Chrys's birthday and it was great fun... The only really sad moment for me was when I realized that it was about the time after dinner that we normally would have brought out a birthday cake for Chrys and we would have sang "Happy Birthday". But I found that a quick cry in the bathroom, and 2 strawberry daiquiris helped the sadness pass, and I was back to enjoying the rest of the day hanging out with our friends... Thanks to everyone who came, thanks to Matt for cooking, thanks to Kent for helping me set-up and clean up, and thanks to Orida and the Delongi deep fryer for helping make the best French fries ever!
The next week Jay (formally known as Jason) from Phoenix visited with his roommate Tom - just in time for Gay Pride week... It's always a blast when Jay is in town... And we shared lots of laughs through the gay pride weekend!
The day after Jay and Tom left, good old Gordon came to town and stayed with me... Gordon is a rock-star who knows EVERYBODY... It's always fun to hang out with Gordon, because (1) he's fabulous, and (2) I just know that I get to meet a dozen new fabulous people. This visit was no exception... I met a few great friends and look forward to getting together with them for drinks in the near future...
Gordon and I loaded up the car and drove down to LA with Alex & Dory for the 4th of July weekend... It should be a good time - as always...
(pictures for all of the above forthcoming soon).
I miss my baby with all my heart, but I know that he would be happy that I'm getting out and trying to enjoy life again with the help of my good friends...
